Choose the best answer.
1) In the pueblo of San Miguel you may encounter:
a) A 41 year old woman with a 6 month old child.
b) A 41 year old woman with a 6 month old child who after a particularly difficult Caesarian section was pronounced dead by doctors, moved to a room in which the deceased are placed and later found to show a sign of life by a doctor in the room and then was subsequently revived.
c) A 41 year old woman with a 6 month old child who after a particularly difficult Caesarian section was pronounced dead by doctors, moved to a room in which the deceased are placed and later found to show a sign of life by a doctor in the room and then was subsequently revived. She now lives in a dirt floor house that is about the size of my living room with 5 children and an alcoholic husband.
d) A 41 year old woman with a 6 month old child who after a particularly difficult Caesarian section was pronounced dead by doctors, moved to a room in which the deceased are placed and later found to show a sign of life by a doctor in the room and then was subsequently revived. She now lives in a dirt floor house that is about the size of my living room with 5 children and an alcoholic husband. She can´t afford medicine and instead purchases something called Gotas Maravillosas (Wonderful/Miraculous Drops) from the pharmacy to treat illness of the lungs, stomach, and eyes.
e) None of the above.
2) After a particularly heavy downpour you find that the road which leads to your hotel is now blocked by a quick moving ¨impromptu¨ river approximately 8 feet wide. You decide to:
a) Try to jump it and risk being swept away at the delight of the dozen of so people waiting to cross.
b) Get on the back of a dirt bike as he speeds through the water.
c) Yell to a couple in a pickup truck that there is a river in the road and jump in the back.
d) Hold on to the back of a school bus as it crosses the flood
e) Wait for government officials to contract the construction of a bridge.
3) Customs officials in the Guatemala City airport:
a) Do not exist
b) Check everyone´s bags with great concern and patience.
c) Will only check your bags if you have checked YES indicating that you are carrying something that should be taxed.
d) Will only check your bags if you have checked YES indicating that you are carrying something that should be taxed and if you actually hand said form to an official unfolded and are more than three steps from the exit.
4) The noises the keep you from sleeping could be:
a) The natural bacteria of your digestive system waging loud and cacophonous war against strange invaders.
b) The animal that is searching your backpack for something to eat.
c) The buses that begin honking at the other buses that are honking at the other buses that are honking at the bus in which there is a man yelling something unintelligible at the top of his lungs at 4am.
d) A terrible suctioning noise radiating from the toilet attempting to refill itself, a problem which appears to be a result of poor water pressure and the only resolution is to slowly, agonizingly fill a Gatorade bottle with water with the same low, low pressure in order to dump in the tank of the toilet.
e) All of the above
Correct answers:
1) D
2) B,C, or D
3) D
4) E
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Are You There God It's Me, Dan
I wake with an overwhelming sensation that I am a volcano.
My ¨volcanoness¨, however, destroys the boundaries that normally constrain the ordinary volcano. I shall either be exploding up or down or perhaps both although I am hoping that if that happens that it is not simultaneously.
This predicament is particularly unnerving considering at 4:00am I will be on a bus to the airport then on a plane then on another bus to Tikal the Mayan ruins in the north of the country.
Interesting side notes:
Hotel Doña Angelina´s toilet is so close to the wall you are actually able to rest your forehead against the wall while seated.
Hostal Calle Real´s toilet is so close to the sink you are actually able to rest your cheek on it and would, if the water were potable, probably be able to sip water out of the faucet while seated.
I decide that before I begin formulating strategy about the best seat to be puking out a window from in a bus, that I will speak to God.
Here is the transcript:
¨Ring¨, ¨Ring¨
GOD: Halo?
DAN: Hello, God it´s me Dan.
GOD: Usted ha comunicado con el Centro de Mensajes para Dios, Marque numero 1 para el Ingles, para continuar en Espanol Marque Numero 2
Dan presses Number 1 and is redirected.
Phone Picks Up.
DAN: Hello, God it´s me Dan.
GOD (with Indian accent): I know who it is.
DAN: That´s right sorry, look I was wondering if you could help me out here.
GOD: What´s seems to be the problem?
DAN: Well, I am in Guatemala and my stomach is killing me.
GOD: I made Guatemala, how do you like it so far?
DAN: It´s great but I was wondering if you could do something for my stomach at least until I get off the bus in Tikal.
GOD: Can you hold on a minute, I have another call.
DAN: Ok
Marimba music playing.
GOD: Ok sorry I´m back. You there?
DAN: Yeah, Im here.
GOD: Sorry, it´s really busy here, that was a woman who I brought back from the dead a while ago. Has like 5 kids and an alcoholic husband. When it rains it poors. She is always calling to thank me. Got a fruit basket from her the other day.
DAN: ¨Groan in pain¨
GOD: Can you verfiy your mother´s maiden name?
DAN: It´s Ferrante.
GOD: Ok, everything is right here. Ok it is done. Can I tell you about our afterlife savings plan?
My ¨volcanoness¨, however, destroys the boundaries that normally constrain the ordinary volcano. I shall either be exploding up or down or perhaps both although I am hoping that if that happens that it is not simultaneously.
This predicament is particularly unnerving considering at 4:00am I will be on a bus to the airport then on a plane then on another bus to Tikal the Mayan ruins in the north of the country.
Interesting side notes:
Hotel Doña Angelina´s toilet is so close to the wall you are actually able to rest your forehead against the wall while seated.
Hostal Calle Real´s toilet is so close to the sink you are actually able to rest your cheek on it and would, if the water were potable, probably be able to sip water out of the faucet while seated.
I decide that before I begin formulating strategy about the best seat to be puking out a window from in a bus, that I will speak to God.
Here is the transcript:
¨Ring¨, ¨Ring¨
GOD: Halo?
DAN: Hello, God it´s me Dan.
GOD: Usted ha comunicado con el Centro de Mensajes para Dios, Marque numero 1 para el Ingles, para continuar en Espanol Marque Numero 2
Dan presses Number 1 and is redirected.
Phone Picks Up.
DAN: Hello, God it´s me Dan.
GOD (with Indian accent): I know who it is.
DAN: That´s right sorry, look I was wondering if you could help me out here.
GOD: What´s seems to be the problem?
DAN: Well, I am in Guatemala and my stomach is killing me.
GOD: I made Guatemala, how do you like it so far?
DAN: It´s great but I was wondering if you could do something for my stomach at least until I get off the bus in Tikal.
GOD: Can you hold on a minute, I have another call.
DAN: Ok
Marimba music playing.
GOD: Ok sorry I´m back. You there?
DAN: Yeah, Im here.
GOD: Sorry, it´s really busy here, that was a woman who I brought back from the dead a while ago. Has like 5 kids and an alcoholic husband. When it rains it poors. She is always calling to thank me. Got a fruit basket from her the other day.
DAN: ¨Groan in pain¨
GOD: Can you verfiy your mother´s maiden name?
DAN: It´s Ferrante.
GOD: Ok, everything is right here. Ok it is done. Can I tell you about our afterlife savings plan?
Guatemala by the Numbers
Number of amputees/people missing limbs encountered in the first 12 hours in Antigua = 4
Percentage of said amputees/people missing limbs using a skateboard as transportation = 25%
Number of blatant breast feeding incidents that occurred within 3 feet of me before leaving the US = 1
Number of loud, verbal altercations over switching seats on a flight between Newark and Charlotte which involved a female flight attendant yelling ¨Bullshit¨ = 1
Number of times which visibility decreased by at least half as our shuttle from the capital to Antigua was engulfed by a bus belching diesel smoke = 2
Approximate number of balloons decorating buses, taxis, these weird motorized rickshaw like things and other passenger vehicles on Sunday to celebrate national Dia del Chofer (Day of the driver) = too many to count
Number of vehicles which had the following words written on the top of the front windshield, Maycol Shackson = 1
Percentage of weddings we have seen involving a horse and a fire truck = 100%
Approximate number of people on a repainted/redecorated school bus that I rode to avoid the rain = 90
Number of religious items including, of course, the Virgin of Guadalupe, and Jesus nailed to the cross, within 1 foot of the driver = at least 6
My favorite quote thus far: My mother is 91 years old. She lives here with me but she is not here right now she is delivering a baby. She is a midwife.
Some of you will recall last year´s survey concerning the abundance of T-shirts with witty sayings in Mexico. This year we´ve moved a bit further south and find that unfortunately such shirts are A) not as prevalent and B) just not as witty. Let´s take a look at what they´re wearing.
CERVEZA POR FAVOR! 30 something attractive Guatemalan woman.
I CAN BE YOUR PRIVATE DANCER 20 something Spanish guy.
CRANKY (with sad looking monkey face) 15 year old Guatemalan girl
SUPERHERO IN TRAINING Teenage boy
HANDS UP PLAY DISCO Teenage girl
Percentage of said amputees/people missing limbs using a skateboard as transportation = 25%
Number of blatant breast feeding incidents that occurred within 3 feet of me before leaving the US = 1
Number of loud, verbal altercations over switching seats on a flight between Newark and Charlotte which involved a female flight attendant yelling ¨Bullshit¨ = 1
Number of times which visibility decreased by at least half as our shuttle from the capital to Antigua was engulfed by a bus belching diesel smoke = 2
Approximate number of balloons decorating buses, taxis, these weird motorized rickshaw like things and other passenger vehicles on Sunday to celebrate national Dia del Chofer (Day of the driver) = too many to count
Number of vehicles which had the following words written on the top of the front windshield, Maycol Shackson = 1
Percentage of weddings we have seen involving a horse and a fire truck = 100%
Approximate number of people on a repainted/redecorated school bus that I rode to avoid the rain = 90
Number of religious items including, of course, the Virgin of Guadalupe, and Jesus nailed to the cross, within 1 foot of the driver = at least 6
My favorite quote thus far: My mother is 91 years old. She lives here with me but she is not here right now she is delivering a baby. She is a midwife.
Some of you will recall last year´s survey concerning the abundance of T-shirts with witty sayings in Mexico. This year we´ve moved a bit further south and find that unfortunately such shirts are A) not as prevalent and B) just not as witty. Let´s take a look at what they´re wearing.
CERVEZA POR FAVOR! 30 something attractive Guatemalan woman.
I CAN BE YOUR PRIVATE DANCER 20 something Spanish guy.
CRANKY (with sad looking monkey face) 15 year old Guatemalan girl
SUPERHERO IN TRAINING Teenage boy
HANDS UP PLAY DISCO Teenage girl
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