Between Laughs
I broke up with her late one night while we were together in bed.
I actually proposed that she should write a 50 word story about it.
She sent me the story.
I told her that she should at least give me a dedication.
Perhaps just “for him”.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Sketch #15 ALTERNATIVES
The following is an excerpt from an interview with Sandeep Chopra (Deepak's estranged brother) after a book signing in New York City.
MM=Mantra Magazine
SC=Sandeep Chopra
MM=Probably the most controversial aspect of your new book is the chapter on contraception. How has that been received on your tour?
SC=A few times there were picketers but for the most part I find most people to be quite interested in my alternatives.
MM=Could you briefly describe some of those alternatives for any readers who might not be familiar with your book?
SC=I would be glad to. You see, modern society is amazing. We can put a man on the moon, but somehow we have never been able to provide safe and effective birth control. It has been my experience through years of study that a method that combines one part Mountain Dew and four parts prayer is a quite effective means for controlling unwanted pregnancy.
MM=You have case studies to document this?
SC=Yes, in fact most people will tell you that prayer often works without the Mountain Dew.
MM=So the Mountain Dew is added insurance.
SC=Yes, you are quite right.
MM=Mantra Magazine
SC=Sandeep Chopra
MM=Probably the most controversial aspect of your new book is the chapter on contraception. How has that been received on your tour?
SC=A few times there were picketers but for the most part I find most people to be quite interested in my alternatives.
MM=Could you briefly describe some of those alternatives for any readers who might not be familiar with your book?
SC=I would be glad to. You see, modern society is amazing. We can put a man on the moon, but somehow we have never been able to provide safe and effective birth control. It has been my experience through years of study that a method that combines one part Mountain Dew and four parts prayer is a quite effective means for controlling unwanted pregnancy.
MM=You have case studies to document this?
SC=Yes, in fact most people will tell you that prayer often works without the Mountain Dew.
MM=So the Mountain Dew is added insurance.
SC=Yes, you are quite right.
Answers #1 LOCOMOTION
Does the tooth fairy have wings?
The tooth fairy may indeed possess wings but, as I will prove here, they cannot possibly be functional. The tooth fairy could have vestigial wings, as an evolutionary leftover or merely for aesthetic purposes. They are not used for locomotion. The use of wings necessitates a diet that the tooth fairy could not possibly maintain. Birds often eat up to three times their body weight in food each day to provide calories for the high energy activity of flying. Assume the tooth fairy weighs 120 pounds. She would then need to consume 360lbs of food each day to support a flying habit. Not only would this consume precious financial resources, it would take away valuable travel time. I submit that the tooth fairy uses a method of transport that is beyond our current capabilities.
The tooth fairy may indeed possess wings but, as I will prove here, they cannot possibly be functional. The tooth fairy could have vestigial wings, as an evolutionary leftover or merely for aesthetic purposes. They are not used for locomotion. The use of wings necessitates a diet that the tooth fairy could not possibly maintain. Birds often eat up to three times their body weight in food each day to provide calories for the high energy activity of flying. Assume the tooth fairy weighs 120 pounds. She would then need to consume 360lbs of food each day to support a flying habit. Not only would this consume precious financial resources, it would take away valuable travel time. I submit that the tooth fairy uses a method of transport that is beyond our current capabilities.
Sketch #14 ADVICE
God is talking to his psychic advisor. He doesn’t use his real name. (Are you surprised?) He uses Charles. The psychic’s name is Whisper. The psychic is good but she doesn’t know that Charles is God.
She knows him well, they’ve had four previous “sessions”.
God is lonely.
Whisper is not her real name, God knows that. She asks, “Did you notice any of the signs that I mentioned last time?” God circles around the question, “Well, I’ve been busy, and you know.”
Whisper is paid by the hour and doesn’t chastise ambiguity or vagueness. God knows this, but he’s not paying the bill anyway. Whisper tells him that she senses frustration of difficulties at work, possibly having to meet too many deadlines or demands.
God seems somewhat angered at this statement, and responds quickly, “I don’t really think so”. Whisper reminds him that some things are not as apparent as one would like them to be. “We are surrounded by numerous signs and happenings that we can never hope to understand in our lifetime,” she explains. God knows this too.
He changes the subject and asks Whisper if she sees anything coming along his romantic stellar path. Whisper believes that each person has multiple stellar paths which lead to different possibilities in the future. God doesn’t believe this, and knows Whisper doesn’t either but he likes to ask the question anyway. Whisper thinks God has a “type” she says, “you have a strong personality but you need nurturing.” She then thinks to ask about his mother but doesn‘t. She was a psychology major but dropped out to have a child and sometimes she catches herself asking therapy-like questions. God knows that she does this.
Whisper finds something attractive about Charles. God forgets he is Charles and doesn’t catch this. God admits that she is right about a type, maybe. She says, “Today your cards speak of money again.”
She always tells God that he will be rich. She wants him to call back. She wants him to hear what the stars can offer him, what his solar numbers will be.
She knows him well, they’ve had four previous “sessions”.
God is lonely.
Whisper is not her real name, God knows that. She asks, “Did you notice any of the signs that I mentioned last time?” God circles around the question, “Well, I’ve been busy, and you know.”
Whisper is paid by the hour and doesn’t chastise ambiguity or vagueness. God knows this, but he’s not paying the bill anyway. Whisper tells him that she senses frustration of difficulties at work, possibly having to meet too many deadlines or demands.
God seems somewhat angered at this statement, and responds quickly, “I don’t really think so”. Whisper reminds him that some things are not as apparent as one would like them to be. “We are surrounded by numerous signs and happenings that we can never hope to understand in our lifetime,” she explains. God knows this too.
He changes the subject and asks Whisper if she sees anything coming along his romantic stellar path. Whisper believes that each person has multiple stellar paths which lead to different possibilities in the future. God doesn’t believe this, and knows Whisper doesn’t either but he likes to ask the question anyway. Whisper thinks God has a “type” she says, “you have a strong personality but you need nurturing.” She then thinks to ask about his mother but doesn‘t. She was a psychology major but dropped out to have a child and sometimes she catches herself asking therapy-like questions. God knows that she does this.
Whisper finds something attractive about Charles. God forgets he is Charles and doesn’t catch this. God admits that she is right about a type, maybe. She says, “Today your cards speak of money again.”
She always tells God that he will be rich. She wants him to call back. She wants him to hear what the stars can offer him, what his solar numbers will be.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Observation #3 WHITEOUT/INTERSECTION
It's Saturday morning. It's 11:00. It might as well be 6:00 due to the darkness caused by the rain clouds. I am driving on Route 27 leaving Highland Park, moving downhill, towards the bridge crossing the Raritan River, and to New Brunswick.
A handful of people have gathered near a cement wall immediately before the bridge. They hold umbrellas which have the words "NO WAR" painted on them. The umbrellas are black and the words are written in white paint. The way in which the brushstrokes have hit the umbrellas reminds me of correction fluid.
On the bridge, traffic in the opposite direction has stopped due to an accident. As I leave the intersection, I begin passing the line of halted cars. A woman dressed in a black chador, rises quickly from her door and begins walking towards the rear of her maroon car, along the yellow lines of the road. My car passes her while the folds of her robe flow with the wind swirling from the river and from the traffic.
A handful of people have gathered near a cement wall immediately before the bridge. They hold umbrellas which have the words "NO WAR" painted on them. The umbrellas are black and the words are written in white paint. The way in which the brushstrokes have hit the umbrellas reminds me of correction fluid.
On the bridge, traffic in the opposite direction has stopped due to an accident. As I leave the intersection, I begin passing the line of halted cars. A woman dressed in a black chador, rises quickly from her door and begins walking towards the rear of her maroon car, along the yellow lines of the road. My car passes her while the folds of her robe flow with the wind swirling from the river and from the traffic.
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